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By Jennifer Connell
I sat in the same row of our catholic church every Sunday morning for the first seventeen years of my life and perpetuated an ongoing internal dialogue riddled with questions about the sermon, the existence of God, and the meaning of life--of my life. Never truly satisfied by what was being espoused from the pulpit, and uncomfortable discussing my feelings with my parents and friends, I felt I never really fit my parents’ image of what a daughter should be.
My father’s parents came to America from England and Ireland via Ellis Island with only eighth grade educations. Both of my parents grew up with and maintained traditional Christian values, principles, and beliefs--marked by clearly defined roles for males and females--diverse and emotional expression and independent thinking weren’t highly encouraged in our home. For example, crying was met with “Are there broken bones? Are you bleeding? If not, there’s no reason to cry!”
In a more illustrative exchange, I recall telling my father one day that I wanted to go to college. “Why do you want to do that, honey?” he responded. “Won’t you just get married and stay home and raise children?” The idea of women attending college was foreign to him. Women barefoot and pregnant was a much more familiar concept.
Over time, I learned to comply–to behave in ways that were acceptable to them--with the exception of a few mischievous “right of passage” incidents. All the while my soul screamed from behind my mask there’s more, there’s more for you to be and do! I simply didn’t know how to respond to this voice.
Adept at pushing the pain away, the double life I lived became more and more intense. The more time passed, the more it became clear to me that I was living an unfulfilling and miserable existence. I longed for more fulfilling relationships, and craved a stronger sense of connection and acceptance. I wanted to feel whole within myself. I believed that fulfilling these desires would make me happier and more engaged in life.
Then one day I woke up with excruciating pain in my hands and weakness from my shoulders to fingertips. My limbs and joints appeared normal, but the pain brought tears to my eyes. Turning faucets was near impossible and holding a blow dryer or mug became a hardship. When I looked at myself in the mirror, nothing had changed on the outside, but inside I felt like an old woman, limp, and peppered with debilitating pain. Embittered by thoughts of “why me?” I was exhausted.
After numerous office visits and various traditional protocols the rheumatologist concluded I couldn’t be helped by traditional methods. Oh great, I thought, what then? “I’d really like you to see a colleague of mine to whom I send people on rare occasions when my protocols don’t work,” Dr. W. told me. He explained that he thought my case was beyond the scope of allopathic medicine. “We’re going to address you from the inside out.”
And so I was introduced to Ed.
No One Can Make You Feel Inferior Without Your Consent!
Meeting Ed was pivotal. During a lengthy intake, he gathered quite a bit of information about me--my upbringing, lifestyle, etc. Our conversations revolved around the introduction of new ideas that challenged many of my previous ways of thinking. Ed suggested that the physical pain I experienced was likely attributable to the fact that I’d been seduced and hypnotized by the belief that I wasn’t good enough, and that I’d spent years seeking validation from my relationships.
I recall thinking, Whaaaat? It sounds like he’s suggesting my thoughts and feelings have an impact on my physical health…what a preposterous idea! Ahem...um...could there be some truth to this? My ensuing discoveries simultaneously inspired and frightened me.
The first conscious step on my personal expedition began with a dive into my self, a scary place in which to venture, and ultimately I learned that my habitual patterns were indeed marked by worry about “doing the right thing” to evoke responses of love and acceptance from others. The by-product was that in my effort to cultivate fulfilling relationships, I’d fostered superficial ones rife with validation-seeking behaviors.
In short, I was infected with what’s known to some as the “disease to please.” I perpetuated a cycle of approval-seeking behaviors that, when met with responses that didn’t match the conditions I defined as appropriate, would send me reeling into feeling rejected, sad and humiliated. This only fueled an unhealthy and vicious cycle. I had allowed the actions of others to dictate my happiness and feelings of self worth, and when I went reeling, I blamed them.
Armed with this new insight, I made a conscious commitment to break this cycle. I put myself under the microscope and, as I gained clarity, slowly became more and more self-aware and skilled at recognizing when I blamed others for my own feelings. During this process, I adopted and used as a mantra the wise words of Eleanor Roosevelt: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent!”
During the next five years I lost twenty pounds, created my own job description, received a promotion, and—best of all—became pain free. The job creation and promotion proved to be another turning point, and had a profound influence on me. Living in London and in a commission-only sales position with a U.K.-based firm, I worked for a demanding CEO and sales director who, rather than support or develop people who continually produced lackluster results, chastised them. They showed no interest in the employees’ well-being unless they were one of the sales “rock stars” (translation: generated big profits!)
Their behavior perpetuated an “us versus them” milieu, and after working there successfully for only a few months, I noticed the low level of morale and energy among many of the steady performers. Their enthusiasm had waned, and complaints and absenteeism increased. Only if they’d had a great week, marked by closing a big sale, were they paid any attention or offered professional support. In addition, the company seemed to contain a revolving door through which people came in with big dreams but left shortly after because they felt completely discouraged.
I felt in my heart I could make a difference for those uncared for professionals, and approached the CEO with an idea. What if the company offered its salespeople training and development? Then they’d start off their employment in this organization with a foundation which, over time, would reduce turnover and increase morale on the sales floor. This in turn, would increase sales.
I proposed to design and implement a training program to coach existing salespeople and onboard new salespeople. The intended outcome would inspire and equip them for a successful sales career in this organization. He agreed to a pilot, and within a couple of months the communication between leadership and staff improved, the salespeople became more engaged, and ultimately they evolved into a sustainable, high performing team.
Along with the success of the program came a new title, an enviable salary, and frequent travel between New York, London, and Amsterdam, as they asked me to introduce a formal recruitment and development program in their New York office.
Once riddled with physical illness from the perceptions of judgment, I felt freed from the unhealthy vice-like grip that blocked me for so many years. My confidence began to soar--I felt empowered!
My work continued to focus on helping others tap into their potential. This required care, concern, compassion, empathy, and support towards others—and I noticed that all of these traits flowed from me naturally. Many women shared how they were inspired and felt loved and safe in my presence during our consultations.
Little Jennifer
Paradoxically, although I’d received myriad validations, and believed I elicited a positive response in others, I still couldn’t escape that judgmental voice in my head. It continually chastised me: You’re not doing well enough! Your recent bout with success is only a fluke—don’t expect it to continue! You’re really not smart enough to sustain success! Don’t let others see your vulnerabilities, and don’t ask for help!
Taken aback by the intensity of my inner dialogue, especially after all I’d learned and practiced over the past few years, I realized how the voice in my head continued to incapacitate me and interfere with my daily life. That I had to dive deeper within myself to meet yet another part of me became obvious.
The most recent and profound turning point to date occurred one day when I heard a soft voice during meditation: “Hi Jennifer, remember me? I’m the little girl you abandoned many years ago and have been living inside you all this time. I feel ashamed and angry, and I don’t want to be in pain any longer.”
Followed immediately by flashes of childhood memories that included judgments, messages of unworthiness, reprimands for expressing emotions, and subtle ridicule of my dreams, this message was emotionally overwhelming. Despite the care, concern, compassion, empathy, and support I showed others, I recognized how I’d spent my entire life rejecting myself.
I’d packed up those self destructive memories in a box long ago, never to be opened again. However, in the process, I ended up treating everyone else in my life better than I treated myself! My reaction to this aha! moment was visceral, and I instantly realized that to attain the internal wholeness I was missing, I had to stop the judgment and embrace “Little Jennifer,” who was frightened and convinced she was unworthy and unloved. I had to commit to cultivating a loving, compassionate relationship with the little girl inside, with me.
So, I learned to consciously practice acceptance of all the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that ride through me, and to give myself permission to have and feel them all. The best thing about this is that when I give voice to those emotions that need air time, they lose their grip or dissipate completely and I am then able to replace them with feelings of self love.
I wish I could report that this relationship transformation happened overnight, but in truth, like my overall journey of self discovery, it’s been an evolution. On occasion, it’s a struggle to process my feelings, and my happy place gets rocked. Other days it’s easy to embrace them and to find my place of peace and acceptance. Yet, when I recall how I once longed for fulfilling relationships, to fit in, and to feel whole within myself, I realize now that I have all of this and more. Happily engaged in a fulfilling life, healthy in my body and mind, I’m still evolving, but now it’s by conscious choice since I learned how to heal from the disease to please.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Jennifer Connell thrives when she serves in a consultative role, supporting individuals in developing their internal capacity to lead, adapt to change, and achieve new heights of success. She earned her Masters degree in Organizational Systems and integrates her multi-disciplinary professional and personal experience with integrity, humor, creativity and passion. Jennifer’s entrepreneurial spirit is boundless. After building and then selling a successful nutrition and exercise center in New Jersey, Jennifer moved to Florida, where she thoroughly enjoys her non-profit philanthropic service, teaching yoga and meditation, spending time with family, and assisting people who welcome growth and change.
Jennifer Connell
Jennifer Connell International
www.JenniferConnell.com
Jennifer@jenniferconnell.com
904-252-7935
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